Two steps forward one step back.

It's desperate. I know he thinks its easier if we don't think about each other.. But who am I going to think about? We have to spend our life fantasising about something. When you haven't met the love of your life you think about the world's bigger problems, your future, what that person may be like. You think about what job you're going to have, what you're going to do tomorrow, you refocus so you can get through university. You think about your parents, what they think about you, how'd they feel about your thoughts. Sometimes I think about how many problems the world has and how scary it will be when it all catches up on itself. I think about how the main problem in the world is that people think there isn't a problem therefore won't do anything. I think about how if you could only put the ambition in everyone to make a better place, if you could get them to believe it, then we'd be so set. And there'd be no reason to complain.

I think so idealistically.. And in an ideal world I'm doing everything, thinking all these things right next to him.

Now all I can think about it my future with him. All I think about is how the huge problems wouldn't be thought about if people like him didn't exist. My main thoughts are about how if we were together we'd have such a better chance at saving the world. How when you're in a group, you're 10 times stronger and how as a pair we only attract more people and enrich each others lives.

I can just hear my Dad in my head saying 'it's just one year out of so many.' But he doesn't understand that there is a serious threat that I won't have a future. We are the challenging generation. Physically fighting for the next 20 years on this Earth.

Every second is honestly precious. And I'm not spending my valuable time with him.

What the fuck am I doing.

My entirety of youth is spent thinking about the future. And right now all I can do is go into the past..

nah it's not me it's definitely you hun

Climate actioning is completely buzzing.
My room is still crazy messy.
I ate like a whole packet of M&M's tonight and I have assessment coming from my face but all I want to do is hang out somewhere reading books or asking dumb questions.

My to-do list is telling me that I need to do things with my life.

So tomorrow I'm going to buy a magazine in the morning and do things that the magazine tells me to.
I'm also going to maybe go buy some furniture.

I want to save my money to go and see you, but I want you to see me with all my money and stuff.

DUDE I just watched like 3 hours of Adventure Time. I think that's why my brain is all spazzing out. Side note on that one, it would make my Adventure Viewing Times heckaz easier if I had a mouse. So can I please hit myself up with that.

I need to get better at random life things. Getting a passport will also have to be on that list.

Shit I have like no identity.
Also stop swearing.

Ah jeez I'm speaking crazy. I'm also drunk.

Lol ok, this is cool and lame at the same time.

xo I guess xo

always my boyfriend.

This is turning into a boyfriend blog and I don't care. My life is revolving around that perfect human that is now living in Spain. We actually spoke a lot from when he first left my city to visit family around the country and the world before settling down.. But now he's in Spain he can feel me hold him back.

He still loves me. He says.

He's too perfect.

He says we have to stop talking because he's too sad to see me sad. And he can't be thinking about me everyday even though he does. He's nervous and not in his element so he just thinks about our perfect days.

I don't like saying on the internet, but he cried in his first class.
We're meant to be together.

And I know I can't speak to him anymore, so this blog is going to be all the things I want to say to him.. because I'm not finished talking to him yet. There's sad things and happy things, things I remember or think he'd like. This blog is his.

He's going away.

The most perfect human I've ever come to know is leaving me in this deadshit world.
He's going to learn about everything and meet everyone and speak every language. He's going so he live a life that was made for him because every second of this 'life' game is his.

I've dated boys. I've been on dates with them, I've physically just slept with them, I've kissed them, I've bought them things, I've loved them. But I've never been sad to leave a boy.

I am so sad right now, it's ridiculous.

I can't breathe I'm that sad. I can't think. My brain literally hurts from remembering every second we've spent together.

How about a day brief

Lol, not those briefs, but good attempt at a joke Charles. You won't think you're funny and I definitely don't think you are.

My day today - aka the 13th of May 2013

Eletrical Engineering was first off the ranks. We do these pracs where we're meant to reiterate the lectures, but no one goes to them, so I pretty much learn the weeks worth of content in 2 hours with this funky nerd-traveller. When I think of a better name to describe him as I'll make a note. He's pretty cool, like I thought he was just super nerdy, but could maybe take more of a joke than other nerds. But turns out he tutors for free and loves doing things for other people because when he doesn't know things people help him out.. He just seems so genuine. He brought up his girlfriend today. I didn't want to call him out on it obviously because it may be interpreted that I somehow 'like' him. Which I don't. So I just let it fly, but I think its so great that he has a girl. Like lil' guy going over the Taiwan and Malaysia just for kicks and living with his brother.. He's so cutey! And just like, rad. Dickshit didn't show up today. That's the other guy in our group. I call him that because I love him for being hilarious and hate him for remaining smarter than me. He's cool too and him and NT make me laugh non-stop.

I ran to a Math 'contact' hour after that. Was so so so good. I learnt how to solve inequalities. Like, I just know how to solve them now. Sometimes my brain freaks me out with the amount of knowledge it can store. And I don't even use it at capacity. I love love how everything is seeming so much simpler now. It's as though concepts are placed in front of me in all my courses. It's like, I can see the answer and the exact method to get it. Not only that but if I do have a problem, I can almost ask the perfect question to make my method be corrected. It's super amazing.

I sit next to Dreads in Maths. He's adorable, also with girlfriend. He just turned 18! So cute. I'm giving him my assignment tomorrow because he actually sucks hardcore at Maths. Probably just doesn't listen to be honest. It's so simple this maths, like you have to use your brain but you'll get it. As long as you make people go at your pace, you got dis. Legit.

If you can't tell I want a boyfriend. I want E to come home.

He doesn't get a random paragraph saying how cool/nerdy he is. Not even one that says, 'he said this totaly hilairious thing the other day...' E takes my breath away. I always say he's like my best friend and we're super similar blah blah. But lately I've been thinking how he's going to fit in my already so set up life. What if he doesn't like Turner?! What if he never comes over or I never find time to see him..?! How will I do student nights with a bf? Will he call me his gf?! What if sex doesn't work out or I cheat on him or I can't bring him to Climate Action stuff. How will all of this work?! Idek.. But the way he talks to me, the way he knows how great its all going to be.. How he still pays me out for being shit at Chinese. To him I think nothing has really changed. And I'm meant to be with him. Forever and a day, and that's no joke.

We're a thing.

Sorry got sidetracked..

We're going to speed through the next few events.

• Wanted to die in my Math tute - the tutor is socially retarded and I have an assignment due on Friday. what the honest fudge man. 
• Bailed early from that shit and went and studied on the grass.
• Got a text saying I was missing a Chinese Research session.
• Got paid $15 to answer a bunch of questions about Chinese characters.
• Had such a good lesson with Turner, we're way more back to normal after the almost boning thing.
• Comfortable around my Chinese teacher now. I like him
• Ran to netball, umpired 4 college games
• Got home around 11pm when I left the house at 8am
• Was going to go over Turner's but I don't want to accidentally bone
• And I think he picked up tonight which is a bonus
• Started a blog.

NIGHT y'all. xo

Those orange and blue 'post settings'

Wow, I didn't think I'd be here again.

I was meant to start this about a month ago, when I left home. - I call it home, but it wasn't - I needed to leave. I tried to keep my writing up but I couldn't find time.. Typing is easier.

So for future whatever, this is just an ever ending dribble of my words in the my brain just I can edit better.. aka instead of scribble everywhere and angry doodles, there's just a clean cut blog aha.

This is an introduction to my life.
This is my actual thoughts.
This is me.

I hope I like it when I read it again.