Two steps forward one step back.

It's desperate. I know he thinks its easier if we don't think about each other.. But who am I going to think about? We have to spend our life fantasising about something. When you haven't met the love of your life you think about the world's bigger problems, your future, what that person may be like. You think about what job you're going to have, what you're going to do tomorrow, you refocus so you can get through university. You think about your parents, what they think about you, how'd they feel about your thoughts. Sometimes I think about how many problems the world has and how scary it will be when it all catches up on itself. I think about how the main problem in the world is that people think there isn't a problem therefore won't do anything. I think about how if you could only put the ambition in everyone to make a better place, if you could get them to believe it, then we'd be so set. And there'd be no reason to complain.

I think so idealistically.. And in an ideal world I'm doing everything, thinking all these things right next to him.

Now all I can think about it my future with him. All I think about is how the huge problems wouldn't be thought about if people like him didn't exist. My main thoughts are about how if we were together we'd have such a better chance at saving the world. How when you're in a group, you're 10 times stronger and how as a pair we only attract more people and enrich each others lives.

I can just hear my Dad in my head saying 'it's just one year out of so many.' But he doesn't understand that there is a serious threat that I won't have a future. We are the challenging generation. Physically fighting for the next 20 years on this Earth.

Every second is honestly precious. And I'm not spending my valuable time with him.

What the fuck am I doing.

My entirety of youth is spent thinking about the future. And right now all I can do is go into the past..

nah it's not me it's definitely you hun

Climate actioning is completely buzzing.
My room is still crazy messy.
I ate like a whole packet of M&M's tonight and I have assessment coming from my face but all I want to do is hang out somewhere reading books or asking dumb questions.

My to-do list is telling me that I need to do things with my life.

So tomorrow I'm going to buy a magazine in the morning and do things that the magazine tells me to.
I'm also going to maybe go buy some furniture.

I want to save my money to go and see you, but I want you to see me with all my money and stuff.

DUDE I just watched like 3 hours of Adventure Time. I think that's why my brain is all spazzing out. Side note on that one, it would make my Adventure Viewing Times heckaz easier if I had a mouse. So can I please hit myself up with that.

I need to get better at random life things. Getting a passport will also have to be on that list.

Shit I have like no identity.
Also stop swearing.

Ah jeez I'm speaking crazy. I'm also drunk.

Lol ok, this is cool and lame at the same time.

xo I guess xo

always my boyfriend.

This is turning into a boyfriend blog and I don't care. My life is revolving around that perfect human that is now living in Spain. We actually spoke a lot from when he first left my city to visit family around the country and the world before settling down.. But now he's in Spain he can feel me hold him back.

He still loves me. He says.

He's too perfect.

He says we have to stop talking because he's too sad to see me sad. And he can't be thinking about me everyday even though he does. He's nervous and not in his element so he just thinks about our perfect days.

I don't like saying on the internet, but he cried in his first class.
We're meant to be together.

And I know I can't speak to him anymore, so this blog is going to be all the things I want to say to him.. because I'm not finished talking to him yet. There's sad things and happy things, things I remember or think he'd like. This blog is his.

He's going away.

The most perfect human I've ever come to know is leaving me in this deadshit world.
He's going to learn about everything and meet everyone and speak every language. He's going so he live a life that was made for him because every second of this 'life' game is his.

I've dated boys. I've been on dates with them, I've physically just slept with them, I've kissed them, I've bought them things, I've loved them. But I've never been sad to leave a boy.

I am so sad right now, it's ridiculous.

I can't breathe I'm that sad. I can't think. My brain literally hurts from remembering every second we've spent together.